‘He took belt, laptop charger and flogged me’ – Survivor of an abusive relationship

Founder of Young Minister’s Ministries and Don’t give up foundation, Rev. Dr. Jennifer Donkor, has recounted chilling accounts of how she was brutalized by her partner.

Nonetheless, she decided to stay in the abusive relationship for six years with hopes that he would change someday.

Rev. Dr. Jennifer Donkor disclosed this in a chat with Aniwaa Anim-Addo on Joy Fm’s Strong and Sassy on Wednesday.

Thirteen years ago, Dr. Donkor, was sacked from her uncle’s house at Madina and ended up at Tema station. This was after she relocated into the city to seek greener pastures. Life after that had not been easy. She spent many years living on the streets, and although she got a job at a point, she had to quit, because her conditions of work were not favorable.

She found peace in an auntie’s home but after a year, she decided to move back to the village. That was when she met John (not his real name.)  John professed love to her and suggested they lived together. She agreed.

“I met this guy who showed interest in me. He said he stayed alone, so why don’t I join him where he lived. I lacked love, so I was looking for love. I was around 23 years then, and he was a friend to my elder brother so I thought he couldn’t hurt a fly.

“I met him in the village, but he lived in Accra and he told me he will send me money so I come and visit him in Accra. Full of Joy, that I have finally gotten a place to stay and a man to love me, I bought some food items and went to live with him. The first three months of our relationship was beautiful, nice, full of joy, so I thought that was it. But later I realised he was a different person,” she said.

He had anger issues and played on her emotions each time he abused her. According to her, John battered her on many occasions and for the slightest mistake she made. She couldn’t leave because each time it happened, John, with his sugar-coated words apologized so she forgave him.

“He was a nice person but very abusive, after three months I wanted to leave, because I realised when you deny him sex, he will beat you. When you don’t cook, he will beat you, when you don’t clean the house, he will beat you. And one thing about abusive relationships is that it starts with the abuser saying ‘don’t leave me, I love.’ ‘If you leave me, I will die.’

“One trait about him was also that he was very good when it comes to rendering apologies and he will give you all you want when he offends you, so that you forgive him. So when he apologised, I forgave him and the assault continued for years,” she said.

The first time he beat her

Recounting the first time she was battered, she said it was the day she failed to pound fufu for John and his friends, numbering six.

“I was supposed to pound fufu and I realised that he was coming with his friends and they were about six. I can’t pound fufu for six people alone, so I prepared the soup and sent him a message that when he comes with his friends, they should help me to pound the fufu.

“He got angry. He said I had disgraced him in front of his friends, so when he came he just behaved like nothing was happening and gave an excuse to his friends as to why there was no fufu and when they left, he took a belt and a laptop charger and flogged me. My leg was swollen for about a week,” she said.

Jennifer said John’s battery left marks on her skin which are still visible.

Those days, no one could visit her because John warned her against that.

“And I also realsied that I couldn’t go back to the village. I had nowhere to go. I didn’t have a choice. I had to stay there. Two things were holding me: I loved this guy and secondly, I thought he would change. We all believe people change, so I was holding on to that until one day I was like, I was going to die. And that’s why you don’t need to accuse or point fingers at anyone who is in an abusive relationship.

At a point Rev. Donkor got the opportunity to go to school, “that was the biggest opportunity for me to stay away from him. But because I love him, when I go I come back. One day, I was in school and a friend called and said the guy has been bringing a certain girl to the house on weekends. It was a Saturday around 7:00pm. She asked me to come to Accra immediately since the lady was around. I quickly caught up with a bus and came to Accra.  So I knocked on the door and when he opened the door, the lady was there.”

Obviously, not expecting her, a surprised John asked what she was doing there.

“I told him I decided to come and give him a surprise visit. So I complained who is this? He retorted, asking why I was complaining. When I came in were they making love or something? So I asked the lady to go out and that I wanted to have a word with the guy. So when the lady left I locked the door. Before I could say anything, I was beaten like, excuse me to say, a dog, and he asked the lady to come inside and sleep. That night we all slept on the same bed. The next day, my face, my eyes, everything was swollen. I was sick,” she said.

A week later, the lady she caught with John returned. “I got angry, took her clothes and burnt them,” and this action also attracted another round of beating.

“That night, I realised there was blood coming from my nose and my mouth, so I was able to run out of the house.

“I decided to seek help from a security guy around, but he said there was nothing he could do about it. So I had to go back to the house. For three days, I couldn’t open my mouth, I couldn’t speak,” she said.

The assault continued for years. Dr. Jennifer Donkor couldn’t leave because at a point, John threatened to kill her.

Moreover, she had nowhere to go and was afraid of leaving.

“It got to a point he said I have bought acid. It is under the bed. ‘If you try to leave I will destroy you.

“None of my parents knew what I was going through.”

But one day, she finally decided to leave.

The End

“I went back to Takoradi and I told him I won’t be coming back again. He told me he would come there, look for me and kill me. For that I was able to my tell my friends about it and I was lucky he had never visited me in Takoradi before, so I told him to do whatever he wants. Since then I have never set my eyes on him again.”

Source: Jessie Ola-Morris